Full Circle



Still kicking in VA

OK OK.. I haven't been blogging ALL summer... and I would get caught up on all that's gone on.. but I really don't feel like it so.. fuck it. In a nutshell: it's been awesome. I don't want to confuse anyone... the summer has been great; every day I dread having to leave... but I don't blog when I'm perfectly content. I blog when something is on my mind... so don't mistake any negativity for a terrible summer. It's been great, really. I just don't write about great.

Now... to the blog:

Alright, so I'm feeling a little .. umm.. glum? It's August 9th. I come home on the 1st of September and leave for school on the 4th. That's 3 nights in my bed. Not to mention the fact that by the time I go back to Trenton, my bed will be in the new house which will contain the new dog. I have an inkling that this new house will never feel 'homey' for me... 'cause I'll only be spending days at a time in it. That goes for my family too. Things are.. friendly.. with the family; I guess that's the best I can hope for. Friendly but.. careful. It feels more like aunt/uncle to niece than mother/father to daughter. I guess it's alright. Just... when I left for Virginia (almost a month ago), I became an adult. I'm on my own now. No more parental involvement beyond a quick chat here and there. So... it feels like things are frozen as they are. I'll never be closer to my family than I am now. I guess a better way of saying it is that it's downhill (or uphill?) from here family-wise. I dunno. I'm not exactly saddened by it.. but it's something I've been thinking about.

So, I've been trying to figure myself out since I've been here. It's a lot different. I'm a lot different. I'm happier for sure. I just... never expected the transition from 'whatever I was before' to happy to be so emotionally draining.. and so goddamn confusing. Right now I feel like I'm everything I'm supposed to be... which I've always felt a void for. Now that I have it, though.. I dunno.. it sounds crazy but sometime I miss being "off". I know how sick it sounds, but depression was strangely satisfying. You always knew where you stood. Now it's like... ah.. man even I don't know what I'm talking about. I guess it's just hard to expose yourself. I'm getting better at it though. I just feel so ordinary... I still want to be different. I want to be me, but who is that? When my Mom came to visit, she said she could see the changes in me. She said I looked happy and calm. She asked me if I still had my knarly side (read: cynical)... she said she hoped I did because it's one of my trademarks. I dunno. To me, that was a part of being depressed... is that who I was/am? I mean, sometimes I can get a little critical still... just not so malicious. It's definetely not a trademark anymore... what is my trademark now? You know, I just got comfortable with who I was. I liked it. I knew it. That was my place. Now... I'm different again. I like being happy, I just feel disoriented. Enough erratic complaining.

Maybe I'll blog again tomorrow. Hope everyone is having a great summer.