Full Circle



I hate thinking.. it's so very depressing... I want to live in the jungle where no one has to deal with anything... just food, water and not being eaten by that jaguar over there. Ugh, so i guess everyone heard about the new rules in my concentration camp.. personally, i think it is quite funny and will be posting these rules for all to view the ridiculous hilarities that are my father's parenting skills. Does he not realize that I am past the point of learning right from wrong through positive and negative reinforcement? Is he deliberately insulting my intelligence, or is it that his level of intelligence does not allow him to aknowledge the degrading incinuations of his actions? I hate that i am powerless.. I hate that he thinks i am in the wrong, when truely my actions are simply the sensible, unavoidable reaction to what he has done... I hate that I am viewed as the 'teenager who thinks she knows everything".. i hate that the situation I am in and my reaction to it is seen as 'typical' by those who do not know the full extent of this predicament, no one can.. ever.. i hate that i am voiceless.. and most of all, i hate that i have to sit here hating things because of what has happened. I want to get on with my life, i want to be carefree, i want to be excited for christmas again, i want a family and a past that i dont have to 'accept', i want a home, i want me back.. to be myself.
Enough of me being the complaining twit.. im sure everyone has enough of their own problems to deal with without me imposing my own on them. It just scares me sometimes when i try to think about the times when i am really happy.. and a precious few come to mind. I feel like i am wasting my childhood.. not enjoying life while i can.. i want to let go of my insecurities so that, when im old, i don't have to look back on my life wishing i was young again so that i could do the things i really want to do. I wish someone could relate.
Ok, now im really done feeling sorry for myself. I'm so excited for hockey.. i love it so much.. it's truely the best sport ever. I don't know how i am ever going to finish my ISU... either part of it. Mrs.Storms certainly expects a lot of our class. Pig dissection is great. I have been waiting for that for so long.. it's like the turning point deciding whether or not i am capable of a career in the medical field. Looks like a thumbs up, but I'm still not closing any doors yet. I know I have a lot of different lives to choose from, so I dont want to waste this opportunity.
Anyways.. I'm waiting for Aime to call so I better go.. damn this living in the boonies.. what with it's dial-up and all..


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