Full Circle



here i go

i hate to bitch... i know ppl dont need to hear my measly 'problems'.. so here's your fair warning: do not read on if you do not wish to experience my insignificant whinings.
okay here goes... well, there is a lot of shit going on.. so im just gunna babble on and probably not hit all of the points that i want to.. i just really dont feel like thinking right now.. ugh, just so depressed. before i go on.. the absolute LAST thing i want is for ppl to think i want sympathy (or to be miffed that i should even expect ppl to think that.. whatever).. i just need to get some shit out.
k, so yah.. nothing big is happening.. i just am so stressed out between the constant working and the whole christmas ordeal. do you realize how shitty christmas is? (which reminds me, i never did finish bitching about christmas.. aw well.. i suppose not finishing shit is the leah way of doings things) christmas is not time of happiness and togetherness.. its a fucking reminder of everything lousy in my family life... deciding when im having which dinner with which 'family', if thats what you call them. i prefer to call them clusters of people half of whom i am related to and half of whom are complete strangers i have been thrust together with.. forced to live and breathe and eat and celebrate with. strangers whom i would naturally prefer to avoid in another life. but there you have it, thats not the reality of the situation. i hate christmas, i feel like scrooge. i mean, you (meaning i) could really just let go and get into it.. all happy and shit.. but then again im afraid of falling into the trap of fakeness... GOD i hate fakeness. plaster a smile on your face, you might as well get shock treatment. then there is the other option of just letting go of all emotion.. dont let anything affect you, good or bad. right now i guess i'm in limbo, teetering (yep, i said teetering) between fakeness and letting go.. im in the reality.. which sucks right now. i suppose that i should just suck it up, its all part of life. the lowest lows make the highest highs seem so much higher.. without the bad, how can you appreciate the good? and i must admit, there is some good going on right now... i just wont care to elaborate. but those of you responsible know. anyway, i dont want to look all troubled and shit.. just going through one of those 'teenage fases' we are all so fond of hearing about. everyone has their problems.. and everyone probably puts the same amount of weight on their problems... i mean, for someone who has had a great life, any small convenience could seem huge, something so small that, say, a homeless person wouldnt think twice about it could seem earth-shattering to someone who has a fortunate life... and its not neccessarily because they are softies... it all has to do with perspective and conditioning. i'll try to explain my ramblings: if you have a dog and you give it a bone every day, a day without a bone is a huge thing. If you have a dog and you rarely give it a bone, a day without a bone is not a big deal.. its not the first dog's fault that he makes a huge deal about not getting a bone.. i mean, thats what he is used to. suppose the second dog is fed every day, but doesnt get any food at all one day. perhaps he would make the same amount of a deal out of not getting any food at all as the first dog would make out of not getting his bone (but still, of course, getting fed).. the second dog's problem is much larger than the first, but the weight of the problem is all in the perspective of the dog you are considering.. it all has to do with conditioning. so this leads me to believe that everyone's problems (comparatively big or small) are given the same amount of weight. any person sees their own problem as big as everyone else sees theirs. it does not matter what they have to deal with, or how bad it really is, everyone sees their own problem at the same level of badness. everyone adjusts their level of wussiness to be affected the same amount by their variable problems. so everyone is really the same... and if you look at someone as a wuss because they let themselves be affected by something you see as insignificant, maybe you should consider what kind of life they have, what they are used to, whether or not they get a bone every day. and what they are used to is not their fault, its what has been fed to them.. im not making any sense to you all out there in computer land.. but i am to me so i dont give a shit. (holy deep blog...) anyway, this all makes me think im just one huge whiner.. and i hate whining... so i should really stop. and i will... right.. now.


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