Full Circle



I wish I wrote poetry

.. there are some times when you simply wish you wrote poetry.. when you feel an emotion that you wish you could express, partly because you need to get it outside of you so that you can turn it around and examine it and at last figure out what it is that you are feeling, and partly because you want to grasp this emotional inspiration before it slips away into the mindless abyss of forgetfulness and lack of curiosity. You know that if you could only harness this feeling, you could create great and meaningful things with it. It's like having a fantastic dream that you want to clutch tightly in memory for the rest of your life, but before you can figure out where to start remembering, details and images become blurred and obscure. I wish I could come up with words to forever capture what I am experiencing.. capture it so perfectly that perhaps others could come up to me and say "I know exactly what you mean" and really know exactly what I mean. I'm sure a true poet never has this problem.. perhaps that is in fact the definition of a true poet: one who never has trouble expressing their emotion to such an infinite precision as to accurately trigger that same emotion in his audience.
Maybe I have high expectations.. no one can really accomplish this. I don't even know what I'm babbling on about.. does anyone know exactly how I feel? Didn't think so.. but you can't blame me.. I have been without any real social contact for one week (or so I should have been).. and I have been without any real emotional contact for quite some time.. maybe my whole life? I hope not.


Bring on the Paxil

Well, I guess you all heard about (or were at) the party. Party of the year seems to be the general comment... unfortunately my mom doesn't agree. I came home to my dad's from the Leafs skills competition today to find my shit on the front porch. I can't say that I'm surprised, my mom doesn't tend to take this sort of thing very well (5 holes in the walls of my house.. not to mention the horrible golfers in the loft). Oh well, I left a cheque to pay for the damages.. she will be over it in a few weeks. I'm not worrying about it.
In other news.. I havent studied at all for math yet. Gotta get on that pretty soon if I'm planning on beating out those two bastards (Tamara and Stephens) for top mark. I have no hope in hell of finishing the two cheat sheets for chem and bio in time.. but thats ok.. maybe if i dont sleep..
Yeah, I guess thats my cue to go study..


oh man, i just remembered!! like the new look? its very.. leather.. hope there arent any animal rights activists out there.. heh..heh.. zippity do dah!


I HAVE A HUGE FUCKING HEADACHE!!! ok, now that we have that little morsel of information out of the way...

I just woke up.. when i got to my dad's after school, by means of excruciating journey on foot through the unearthly cold, i completely passed out.. i need more sleep. Goin to the basketball game tonight.. decided at the last minute after 4th period.. sorry Hil, i ditched the bus.. but that doesnt mean u won the race!! Whoa, I have a cellphone now! My mom gave me hers.. so I'm just like "ok". I suppose you want the number.. don't you? of course not... god, u won't even fake it just to make me feel loved? FOR FUCK SAKES, JUST TAKE IT! ok, im done that small outburst. The number is 242-3490. I don't have to worry about people calling too much.. i know this.. but hey, if ur feeling down and want to chat.. I'm waiting for your call! (if the phone is on).
That phone like saved my life the day after i got it too... huge coincidence. Yesterday when my sister and I got off the bus, we couldnt get into our house cuz our door was frozen shut.. not even Mr.Handyman neighbour could open it.. and hes a fucking handiman (not handy for fucking... but fucking handy). Ahah, handy is such a great word. Anywho, I called my mom and shit.. i guess the phone didn't REALLY save our lives cuz we went into our neighbour's house... super akward, but then fun, they have 4 kids under like 11... but the phone was really handy. There's that word again! So yup, now i have a key for the garage door incase you were concerned about how i got in today.. which i didn't cuz i'm at my dad's house anyways remember?
Ahh.. exams are coming.. like a trainwreck waiting to happen... actually, it isnt that bad.. i know i will do ok.. and i honestly don't mind the actual taking of the exams, i just hate the studying cuz i know i will put it off (as i am doing now) and it will just suck. But other than that.. just want them outta the way so we can have our 3 days off and do THE PLAN!!!!! wow, we have been planning the plan for a very long time now, dont you plan?- i mean, think? haha, that made no sense at all.. but thats ok... livin life on the edge over here in Leah's blog, better watch out! surprises around every corner.. like this!


'..and think of the first creature able to recognize sound. Imagine how it must have screeched out to an unanswering world; the sole recipient of its own voice. And so, this is my cry...'

If only I had a cause...


Scratched off the list

Well, I'm not working today i guess.. i went in and was scratched off the list.. some sort of mixup i guess cuz i took last night off and used the accident as an excuse. I'm sure you can find a full account of the incident in someone else's blog.. I'm not really up to writing about it. But oh well, i don't mind a day off... at all. So here I am, blogging again.
Life has been... life. I can't describe it lately. Boring, but exciting.. happy and sad.. I'm so up and down these days for no apparent reason. Is this the typical teenager syndrome? Ahh, I don't care.. I try not to care about anything.. after all, that's the Leah way. I'm not very passionate about many things anymore like I used to be.. just kindof an empty shell wandering around.. emotionless. Lately though I have been depressed most of the time.. and happy part of the time.. so i guess it is an improvement from just feeling nothing.. I'm not sure which sucks more, feeling shitty most of the time or not feeling at all. I usually don't let anything get to me, i don't tend to be affected by things but lately I have been.
Oh well, whatever happens.. I need to find a good band.. one I can be passionate about. Everyone is all obsessed with Brand New, Thrice, Dashboard and all those bands that sound the same to me. I must admit, when they play their music, it is good.. really good... I just can't seem to get into it.. i don't really want to. I need something harder, less popular. So now I'm in musical limbo.. I don't really have any favourite bands right now, nothing to listen to when im all pissed off or depressed. It kindof leaves an empty space.. but I'll find something.
If anyone reads this by 1:30 today and you have nothing to do, come and watch basketball at St.Paul. Its like a tournament for the developmentally challenged. I know it's not like me to support stuff like this.. I usually wouldn't give a crap but i dunno, I'm into it now. My sis was scorekeeping this morning and she said it was really cool to see. So the finals are at 1:30 I'm told. Im kindof excited to see it, she said that it is really amazing to watch them working together and stuff.. i dunno, seems inspiring to me. Alright, i better stop before I get all.. mushy cliche on you.
I was thinking after the car crash that no one would really notice if I wasn't there. I mean, they would notice but it wouldn't really affect a lot of people... but now I realize that it doesn't matter to me. Sometimes I'm really glad to be me.. I like myself a lot sometimes. Most of the time I don't really care, but part of the time i hate being me and i would give anything to be someone else... now that I think of it, I don't think I'd like that. I like being distant from people, it doesn't occur to me to feel akward that I'm not all chummy with everyone. It's just natural for me to stay at a comfortable distance.. I don't like to be clingy.. I'm just kindof there and thats the way I want it. I don't want the spotlight, I would hate to be the center of attention all the time. I just like to hang out wherever and do what I feel like, which is usually nothing... I dunno, I guess I'm easy to please.
Anyways.. I'm not sure what I'm rambling on about.. so thats it.


The Twin Theory

And I'm back. I'm a fucking blog-aholic. Tired of me yet?
Anywho, the plan is supposed to take place today, since it couldn't on new years, eh ladies? Looking forward to that if it actually goes down! Should call for some good times... some interesting times as well... come one come all! Just talk to me if you have nothing to do tonight and are up for a good time...
Well, I've been living in my pj's, its been awhile since I've done that... it's actually kindof nice. In the last 32 hours, I've had about 24 hours' sleep. Isn't that nuts? Oh well, I had a lot of rest to catch up on. Wow, my blogs are actually becoming semi-normal accounts of my daily life.. I don't like it.. perhaps this calls for an explanation of one of my insane theories. So I bring you: The Twin Theory. (if you are expecting an account involving breasts, I'm sorry to disappoint you.. but I suggest you try playboy.com)

Alright, you know identical twins... how they have the exact same DNA, yet they show certain differences... physical or mental such as taste in food or athletic ability. Well, I have a theory that these differences are the result of different environmental conditions experienced by each twin. It is my belief that if both twins, from the point of conception, were placed under the EXACT same conditions, both would be completely identical. I will go even further to say that, if exposed to identical environments, the movements, thought patterns.. virtually any characteristic or behaviour pattern of the twins would be identical. If the DNA, 'blueprints for life', is identical, any differences in the characteristics or behaviours of the twins can only be accounted for by different environmental conditions. Now, this could only be possible under PERFECT conditions and, suffice to say, the level of technology at this point, or likely at any point in the near or distant future, would not allow for this theory to be proven or disproved. I'm talking about such perfect conditions that the twins would have to be seperated as the matter of which side (right or left) each twin was on could make a significant difference. I'm talking about 100% identical chemical environments, not one different particle or different location of that particle from one environment to the other. Polar magnetic fields, distance from the Sun, temperature, location on the Earth (the affects of the Earth's rotation), food type and amount ingested, any activity around each twin...etc... must be identical or it would upset the results. As you can see, this is a pretty far-fetched theory.. and it's obvious that I have too much time on my hands to be thinking about crazy, pointless shit like this... but there you have it: The Twin Theory.
Well, I'm off to go waste my life thinking of more insane theories for you to scoff at... have a great day.


wow, 2 blogs in one day... my life is sad. I'm sitting here bored as fuck, watching the leafs game.. which isn't really worth watching at the moment: 3-1 for Boston. I just realized that the quality of my life rises and falls with the success of the leafs.. isn't that sad? When they were on their winning streak, I was on such a high.. everything was just going great. Now that they have gone to shit, things are starting to suck... Fuck, why can't they just win again? I want to be happy. Some new years day I've had. I woke up, Aime left, I blogged (more like bitched), then went to bed agin til 7:30. And here I am sitting on my ass watching the game and blogging again. I can only assume that everyone else is out living more exciting lives because no one else has blogged in such a long time. Meanwhile, here I am, 2nd blog of the day... and I'm the person who never blogs... ever. ahh well, goin to watch the game.. hopefully luck turns.

happy fucking new year

Wellll.. my computer is being a fucking jackass and the internet explorer shit isn't working, so I am typing this in notepad for now.. i dunno when it will make it to my blog... if at all. So anywho, yeah.. I'm fucking depressed today, not that anyone gives a shit. I'm listening to fucking Barry White for pete's sake. Ahh, i hate new years, at least this one anyway. The party last night was ok i guess, mingled a lot.. just wasn't really happy. I dunno, i dont really see much of a purpose in life right now... what do i have to look forward to in the future? Stress, pain, work... doesn't seem worth it at the moment. Sometimes things look up, and life seems great, but then you fall back down to this pitiful place we call earth and realize how shitty everything really is... it's like life is taunting you, giving you a small taste of happiness and then ripping it away, out of your frantic hands clutching to anything to keep the depression away. Wow, i sound like a total psycho.. i sound suicidal.. i dont care. God, Barry White can be damn depressing to listen to.. no one can be in love that much, no one is that happy.. and if they are, i am so jealous. Some people seem happy, why do they get to be happy? I hate happy people, but i guess they really wouldn't care.. no one cares about anyone else anymore, no one cares enough to make others happy.. and for good reason. People take advantage of others willing to put effort into someone else's happiness.. they just leetch off of them unil they get sick of the person and drop them.. ahh, i'm depressed.. i want to just fall into some lala land where everything is happy. I dont care if i'm in a dillusional dream world, its better than this hell hole.. reality is so hard to take, it just crashes down on you constantly, and if you think about it too much, you could go crazy.. you could be squashed. i want to stop putting effort into life, nothing is returned back to me. I'm an insignificant speck in this writhing mass of hopelessness we call humanity, and I always will be. The world would not miss me.. I'm so isolated. I just want to be happy.. and I bet in a few hours i will be happy again, or at least i will think I am happy. Then i'll fall back down again and be back here blogging.. figures.. anyway, this is a fucked up blog and i'm starting to repeat myself so... word out to Barry White, heaven or hell, that ugly bastard knows the answers.